Anyone Who Knows Me

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm currently struggling. Anyone who knows me knows that if I'm actually complaining about exhaustion and pain knows it must be greater than the daily trials. I try, honestly, not to complain about it... at least not on a daily basis. Why? Because I am alive. I CAN walk. I can talk (much to the dismay of others, I'm sure). I can hug and kiss and create memories with my family. There are others out there TRULY suffering, TRULY struggling with things much, much greater than the ailments I have and I'm very aware of this, and remind myself constantly. But these struggles and trials are MINE. I remember one time, when I was hurting pretty badly, there was an older... well, at the time I thought he was a good friend who, in the months prior, had been like an older uncle, giving advice, listening, all that jazz. He later died (given the extreme betrayals that followed his remark to me, I think it was probably karma) who mocked me one day when I was in a great, great pain by saying, "At least I don't have to hobble just to walk."

I turned around and backhanded him with the hairbrush I held.

It's been 5 years since that was said to me, and I remember it so clearly.

You'll have to pardon me a moment -- when I'm in a Fibro Fog, my thoughts are more jumbled than normal, and they're pretty jumbled to begin with -- I'm well aware of that, too.

Anyone who knows me knows I was born under the sign of Libra, and I pretty much define that sign. (Anyone who knows me knows I also believe in God, and that I don't think one has to be exclusive of the other.) Libra is about balance, justice. There are so many people who will read this that I know from various locations online whom I have never once met in person -- from mIRC back in 1997 when hardly anyone used the internet, to Woman's Day forums, to forums after that, to the site where Rick eventually found me. And without fail, at some point, I had to stop what I perceived to be an injustice toward someone else. In some circles, I'm known for my bat -- I'll come out swinging to defend someone I feel is unfairly being treated. If you know me at all, you know I'm still this way. I'm softer now than I was back in those days. And as a Libran, I try my best to start with gentle reminders that we all have a journey or trial or battle we are all fighting, even if the others cannot see it. I do this in my every day life (most recently with the issues in getting Carly's driver's license.)  But if my gentle remarks/explanations don't work, if my attempt at presenting a side they may not have seen does not work, well... I still have the bat. As I grow older, I find the gentle, kind way works 99% of the time. That other 1%, well, they are not worthy of me, my time, nor the time or energy of the person they've decided to target. I have taught my children and my Scouts that TIME is the most valuable commodity we have -- once it's gone, once it's wasted, there is no getting that time back. The second most valuable commodity is emotion. If someone is neither worthy of your time nor your emotion, walk away.

In reality, those types of people who fling out at others are in a battle against themselves. There is something vile or upsetting they see in another and they point it out to the world in the desperate hopes that population will look in the direction they're pointing instead at of the person flinging their pain and projecting it upon another person.

Ironically, I can name a handful of people who, as they read this, will think it's about them. I assure you, if this were about a single individual, I'd address it to that individual privately, which, if you know me, that's what I do. But ya know, I guess it is about a single person:

Me.

Anyone who knows me knows my religious beliefs are vastly different than most. As Rick and my children can attest, I can get on private rants about how in the world people can do and say certain things "in God's name" that God never once utter nor implied. But in the end, that's on them, not me, and I'd rather see those people believing in SOMETHING greater than themselves, to believe in anything. To simply BELIEVE. Anyone who knows me knows I don't go to services like others think I should. I don't think people think of me and think "Christian", which, surprisingly to some -- and horrific to others -- I'm okay with. Sweeping generalizations of who "Christians" are makes me very okay not to be lumped in. But, I hope those who know me do think of me as a spiritual person. I find certain people online that I'm drawn to on a daily basis radiate God, glow with something bigger, but they're not the "ram it down your throat" "Christians". I'm sure most of this paragraph will insult a lot of people, but if you know me, I think you know what I'm attempting to say and know I say it with a kind heart. When I read their blogs, I'm eased. I'm uplifted. I'm inspired, not just to create, not just to connect, but inspired to be a better person. And I write them, and I let them know there is a person out in the huge huge universe who is genuinely touched by their gentle kindness to the world as a whole. Because I think they deserve to know they touched someone, even if that someone was a single someone: me.

We ARE small. But in our smallness there is such vast capabilities and vaults of goodness in that this one tiny person can influence so many.

As I said last night on my status on FB: Genuine kindness can never be misinterpreted.

I used to be a very angry person when I was much younger. I had no reason. I had no excuse. I still don't know why. It's just who I was. Now I don't have time for it. I don't have time for emotional vampires to suck out my limited energy. Time is slipping through my aching fingers faster than I can complain about it. With our time so limited, why in the WORLD would we not attempt to be kind people to others. I guess what I don't understand is what all the hatred is about.

Why must someone point out the struggle of someone else?
Why must someone's first response be lashing anger?
Why must something someone doesn't understand automatically be something dishonest or ugly or ... just bad?

I don't know.

Anyone who knows me knows one of my top 3 Movies of All Time is EVER AFTER, and she sums it up so accurately:

Danielle says to Prince Henry: You have everything, and still the world holds no joy and yet you insist on making fun of those who would see it for its possibilities. 


It takes NOTHING from someone to be kind. It takes NOTHING from someone to praise and acknowledge the efforts of another. It takes NOTHING to smile. It takes NOTHING to be a kinder, gentler person. It doesn't take religion. It doesn't take money. It doesn't take anything but a single individual to hope to make a moment with someone else be a better moment just because they're sharing it with you, whether it's online, face to face, over the phone. You have no idea whose day you may improve. You have no idea what memory for someone else you are making RIGHT IN THAT MOMENT.

Yesterday in the mail, I got a card for me to start feeling better. She and I went to church together when we were kids. But in that card, she told me that she remembers me cheering her up when she was sad. My first thought was: ME? I was an angry kid -- who did I cheer up? But my second thought was that I had no memory of that moment -- but 30 years later, SHE does. Without knowing it, my angsty teen self had created a good memory that someone  -- DECADES LATER -- remembers about me and how it affected her.

Today, if you look back on this morning, or yesterday, or last week, or last month, are you sure you made a memory someone may remember for decades? And, if you did, is it a good one? Is it one you're proud of? These are the things I wonder about. What memories are my kids having of me looking back on their lives (poor Shandie -- she had it the roughest). What are the Scouts going to remember about me in twenty years? What will my family remember? My husband? If I'm gone, what mark have I left on others?

What mark have YOU left on someone else? And is that mark -- that permanent mark -- one that you're proud of having left behind?

I hope so. With Kindness, there is always Hope.